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三篇短文和一个老外的评语(六)

2005-09-14 00:00

  Finally, the third essay. The overall structure of the story is quite well controlled, though the logical links between individual events could be improved. For example, the employee "showed her to the manager", so she was going towards him, but then the manager "approached from behind." Finally, she "looked up and saw a frown", which again suggests that she was facing him. But these are errors that can be corrected with careful thought. What really made this essay different from all the others was a single phrase that leapt off the page at me? "mosquito's voice." This phrase,unexpected and metaphorical, shows precise observation of life. It clearly expresses a complex set of features in the way the writer spoke. Think of the nights when you hear the high-pitched whine of a mosquito in the dark. You don't know where it is and you flap your hands madly trying to hit it, but usually without success. Now think about the writer: Her voice was high-pitched, from nervousness probably, and she probably had the feeling that it came from somewhere else and was not under her control? just like the mosquito. A striking and very effective image that lifted this essay out of the crowd for me.

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