阅读提示：Brangelina是将Brad和Angelina这对明星夫妇（看过电影《史密斯夫妇》吧？）合起来的单词，而Tomkat这一词则是帅哥Tom Cruise（汤姆·克鲁斯）与其未婚先有的伴侣Katie Holmes（凯蒂·霍姆斯）的合体单词。
With Brangelina's Shiloh Nouvel and Geri Halliwell's Bluebell Madonna taking centre stage lately, a gossip mag puts on its detective hat and asks the question on everyone's lips: Where the hell is Tomkat's Suri?
New Idea attempts to track down Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' elusive baby girl this week, but has little luck. Why, the mag asks, has no one seen the two-month old child, despite her snap-happy parents appearing at various publicity events around the world?
NI offers several reasons for Suri's absence from the public eye. One is that Tom won't allow it because of his Scientology beliefs. Another is the couple want to wait until their wedding - rumoured for July 4 - to show little Suri off. A third is that they're waiting for the Brangelina brouhaha to die down.
But the mag misses the most obvious explanation: Suri is the reincarnation of Scientology God Xenu and is in hiding to prepare her bid for world domination. Better get your underground shelter ready for Judgement Day.
Elsewhere, Woman's Day warms up its defibrillator and attempts to revive the dead horse that is the Brangelina-Vaughniston love rhombus.
Ange wants to adopt again and Brad isn't happy. Snore. Jen will always love Brad and Vince is crushed. Double snore. Isn't it time for these guys to swap partners again? Brad and Vince would make a great couple.
But the mag sparks into life with its photo collection of bikini-clad stars. Britney Spears is seen splashing around with little Sean Preston and daddy Kevin Federline, sporting a prominent baby bump and a deep bruise on her thigh. And Reese Witherspoon looks amazing, despite having two children and suffering from plumber's crack.
Woman's Weekly, meanwhile, has more Dancing with the Stars guff, despite deadlines meaning they don't know who won. Too little, too late, people. And things only get worse with photos of Nicole "Skeletor" Richie and Mischa "Dog Lover" Barton sunbathing. Order these girls some Ponsonby pies at once.
Also hitting the headlines this week:
It's official - actor Jim Carrey and blonde pin-up Jenny McCarthy are an item. WD has pics of this week's oddest couple holding hands and kissing at an LA airport. Well, they appear to be kissing but they could just as easily be eating a small sausage together. Don't they know about the dangers of meningitis?
NI has a great feature on stars with sordid pasts. Heather Mills McCartney comes off badly in her 80s hair-do and yellow lingerie, and Geri Halliwell happily shares her, er, girls with the world. But that's nothing compared to Cameron Diaz' video She's No Angel, in which the actress sprays compressed air on her nipples and says "whoa, look how big they got". Bet Justin has a copy of that in his DVD collection.
Michael Douglas has a goss mag shocker this week. The scruffy actor looks like he's just emerged from several months in solitary confinement as he pushes his daughter on a swing in NI. And despite losing the beard in WD, the mag hacks into his wrinkly "granny" neck and suggests Douglas has had too much plastic surgery. Is there any such thing in Hollywood?
Finally, the quote of the week comes from Adam Sandler in WD, who has become a green-eyed monster over his daughter's breast-feeding habits: "It's like a tiger going crazy. The kid doesn't stop eating and sucking away. Those used to be Pop's. Not any more." We feel for ya, Adam.