From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
—— Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
—— Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
—— Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
—— Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
—— Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
—— Age 15
摘自一份真实的报纸竞赛, 在这项比赛中, 要求4-15岁的参赛者在语言上模仿杰克· 汉狄的"深思".
我盯着闪耀的满月看, 我自己想, 苏格拉底, 亚里斯多德和柏拉图在盯着同一个月亮看. 突然, 我想象他们出现在我的身边. 我告诉苏格拉底关于国家在一个人死亡权上的争论, 并且吃惊于持久不变的人类状况. 我告诉柏拉图我住在一个近乎完美的乡村, 我给他看了宪法的副本. 我告诉亚里斯多德我们已经发现了远不只四大基本元素, 并且给他展示了元素周期表. 我拿了一盒火柴, 划亮了一根. 他们吃惊得倒吸口气, 我们点燃着屁度过了余下的夜晚.
当我到了天堂, 我想再次看见我的祖父. 但是他最好已经没有了鼻毛和老年人的气味.
我曾听过上帝的声音. 他说: "嗡嗡嗡嗡嗡嗡嗡嗡", 除非那只是割草机的声音.
我不了解你, 但是我喜欢看着油漆变干. 我把湿油漆想象成一潭新鲜的湖水, 这是供给一些小城市的唯一水资源. 当湖变得越来越干涸, 人们会变得更加绝望, 有时还会发生 "水暴". 一旦发生一场大火, 那么每个人都会死掉.
当你在这个忙碌的世界匆匆前行之时, 每天留出几分钟, 这样到了年底的时候, 你就能攒上几天了.
我常常在读到一本好书的时候, 会停下来感谢我的老师. 那是因为, 我过去并不是这样的, 直到她得到了一份 "黑名单".