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A Gift

2006-07-29 14:50

  Not long ago I received a book from my brother as a birthday present. This book, I was sure, would be of great value to me and it was just the one [because it was just the reference book] (1) that I needed. “With this book” I thought aloud, “I will certainly be able to solve problems more proficiently [easily ] (2) . Perhaps I can do better in the following exams than Liu Ling.” Liu Ling, a good friend of mine, was the best student in our class.

  One afternoon, I was reading the book when Liu Ling came. I quickly hid the book among the other books on my desk, saying to myself , “I won't let her know that I have such a good book, or…”“Xiao Ying,” Liu called out to me, “I have a book for you and I hope it will do you good. ” She brought out a book from her bag, handed it to me and then began to look through the books on my desk . [She took out a book from her bag and handed it to me. Then she glanced over the books on my desk.] (3) Suddenly she let out a cry of surprise. She discovered the book hidden by me just now! “I borrowed it from my friend several days ago. It should be returned this evening.” I explained, my heart beating fast. But it was too late. A line of words appeared on the first page. [The line of words on the title page betrayed the fact.] (4) “To Xiao Ying —— A Gift From Brother.”

  My face turned red. I drooped my head [My head drooped] (5) in shame when my eyes happened to fall upon the book which Liu Ling had just given me. It was the same reference book as mine!

  江西省乐平县第一中学高三(3)班  曾建英

  评    语

  行文简洁,构思巧妙,特别是最后“Liu Ling准备借给我的那本书正是我想藏起来不借给她的那本书”这一情节,很有教育意义。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)点明reference book使意思更为明了。

  (2)proficiently用得不恰当。

  (3)拿出书,送给我,然后开始翻我的书,在意义上不应是有机联系的3个动作。故改成两句。另外,“从包里拿出”,应用动词took而不是brought(带来)。用began似有“故意要来翻我的书”的含义,但根据上下文,Liu不过是随手翻翻而已,故去掉began.原句中look through有查阅的意思,改成glance over为好。

  (4)原句读来让人感到是“在看书时,一行字才开始出现在第一页上。”另外,扉页不是 the first page,而是the title page.

  (5)根据Longman词典,droop(低垂)一般用作不及物动词。要用及物动词,可用hang,如:hang one's head for/in shame.

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