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The “ Lost ” Money

2006-07-29 14:38

  What's that?“Just as she walked out of the dormitory, she caught sight of something on the ground.

  “Oh,  money! ”

  She hurried to [rushed for] (1) the money with her eyes opened wide [wide open] (2) ,and stepped on it. She looked around “God bless me! There is nobody but me.”She picked up the money and put it into her pocket by pretending to tie her shoes. Then she hurried back into the dormitory with her face hot and red.

  Having closed the door, she began to count the money.

  “One yuan, two yuan… Ah, sixty yuan!”Her heart beat very fast.

  She thought, “With it, I can buy a new suit. [”With it, “she thought aloud. ”I can buy a new suit] . “(3) Let those girls who care for dressing envy me.  I would look splendid in my new clothes.”

  The whole morning she learned nothing about her lessons.

  In the afternoon she walked [The afternoon saw her walking] (4) into the classroom, dressed in new clothes. She looked like a beautiful actress. Tens of eyes [Dozens of eyes] (5) were fixed upon her. She felt as if she were on the top of the world [on top of the world] (6)。

  A few days passed, but she didn't hear anyone looking for money[hear of anyone looking for the money](7)。 So she looked at herself in the mirror[even more] (8) joyfully.

  One night she began to count her “possessions(财产)”。

  “Oh, my dear! Where is my sixty yuan I have to live on for two months?” [Where is my sixty yuan——the money I have to live on for two moths? ] (9)

  “Oh, the money! My sixty yuan!”

  江西省宜丰县第二中学  胡染兰,黄小妮

  评    语

  构思巧妙,能尝试用“心里话”展开文章,人物塑造较为成功。词汇、句子结构也较丰富。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)rushed for比 hurried to更生动。

  (2)习惯用 with one's eyes/mouth wide open.

  (3)后接直接引语,最好用 think aloud(自言自语),把she thought aloud插在中间,更符合英语习惯。

  (4)这样改比较生动,将她“神气活现”的样子表达出来了。

  (5)习惯用 dozens of表达“几十”, tens用在 tens of thousands of词组中。

  (6)去掉 as if she were,这样文章更简洁;on top of the world是固定词组, top前不加the.

  (7)hear sb. doing sth. 是真的能“听”到,如 hear him singing,  hear her knocking at the door, “听说某人干某事”,要说 hear of sb. doing sth. .money前加 the,是特指这 60元钱。

  (8)加 even more 使上下文更连贯。

  (9)作者用 I have to live on for two months 为限制性定语从句,修饰 sixty yuan 这不符合口语习惯,加上the money作同位语较好。

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