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A Black Umbrella

2006-07-29 15:37

  It is raining again today. I look out of the window and think of a black umbrella [find myself thinking of that black umbrella again] (1)。

  About two years ago, our school enlisted[arranged for] (2) us to see a film. The cinema was about two kilometres away from my home. The film was interesting and two hours passed quickly. When I stepped out of the cinema, I got worried——it was raining cats and dogs, but I didn't have an umbrella with me. I was hesitating at the lobby(门厅)of the cinema when a soft voice came from behind me,“What's the matter with you? What can I do for you?”[“Hi, are you all right?”] (3) I turned around and found it was Xu Jing, one of my classmates. She was a sweet girl with long hair. We hadn't talked much before.

  “You see, it's raining so hard that I can't go home at all [without an umbrella] (4)。”I replied.“I can lend you one,”she said.“Are you joking? You haven't got an umbrella yourself.”“Oh, it doesn't matter,”she smiled.“My home isn't far from here. I can run home and fetch one for you.”With these words, she put a handkerchief on the head and rushed into the rain[she rushed into the rain with a handkerchief covering her head](5)。 Soon she was out of sight.

  It was not long before she came back. She was wet all over, her hair stuck to her face and forehead. I was more than happy. I could find no words to express my feelings at that time.

  “Here you are,”she passed a black umbrella to me. I accepted it and said,“I can't thank you enough. It's so kind of you.”She smiled,“We're classmates. I'm glad to help you.”

  A friend in need is a friend indeed. After that, we became good friends. Now she's in another school, but I can never forget her sweet smile and the black umbrella she passed to me that day.

  安徽省休宁县休宁中学高二(2)班  程志良

  评    语

  这是篇叙述同学之间友爱互助的文章,语句简练、生动感人。对话给全文增添了动感。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)作者想表示“看到雨,想起令他难忘的那把黑伞”,但原文未能传递出这层意思,不定冠词a可泛指任何一把黑伞,读后会让人误解成“下雨了,想使用一把黑伞”。

  (2)enlist用在这里,词意不符合上下文,故改之。

  (3)“What can I do for you?”用得不自然,太客套。

  (4)应点明“没有带伞”,无需用at all表示强调。

  (5)全句重点在于rush into the rain,用手帕遮在头上是次要的伴随情况

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