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My Grandmother

2006-07-29 15:23

  My grandmother is an ordinary woman. Years of hard work has bent her back, grayed her hair and wrinkled (弄皱)her face. She loves me deeply.

  Six years ago, I studied in Shanghai. I was a class cadre (干部), so I often arrived home late. Each time, my grandmother would come to school to meet me. Though I had tried [tried] (1) to persuade her not to do that later [any more] (2), shewouldn't listen to me. She said she couldn't set her mind at rest unless she herself brought me home.

  One day, after school, when our class cadres were discussing some class affairs [in the classroom] (3), a child of my neighbour's ran to our school [ran in] (4)。 He told me [said to me] (5) “It's going to rain. Your grandmother wanted [wants] (6) you to go home earlier.” Then he gave me an umbrella.

  It was raining cats and dogs when the meeting was over. The raindrops falling from the roofs looked just like white glistening curtains. The rain poured on my umbrella continuously. I could hardly hold the umbrella. Loud cracks of thunder (霹雾)almost shook me down. I hid myself under the umbrella and walked hard against the rain. There was nothing but the rainwater and darkness around me. How I hoped there would be a companion (同伴)in such a heavy rain! “Kejun … Kejun … ,”an intermittent (断断续续的) voice reached me. I tried to open my eyes [strained my eyes] (7): a short, fat and a little hunch backed figure was approaching in the rain. She walked slowly with great difficulty. It was my grandmother! “Grandma! Grandma! I'm here. I'm Kejun,” I cried out. I ran over to her. At the sight of her wet shirt and worried face, I felt tears coming to my eyes. In silence, I stood there supporting her and said quietly but trembly “Grandma, you shouldn't … ” I looked at her, a lump in my throat. Tears mixed with rainwater ran down my cheeks. My grandmother kindly patted me on the head saying, “Jun, let's go home.” I nodded.

  辽宁省辽阳市庆阳南厂  王克军

  评    语

  全文感情充沛,词语运用准确达意,如:wouldn't listen to me, set one's mind at rest, shook me down, at the sight of 等。对grandmother的外貌和狂风暴雨的描写也十分动人,基本上烘托出了一种作者想要达到的气氛。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)过去完成时用来表示与另外某个过去动作或时间相比先发生的动作或状态。这里tried纯粹是回忆过去的动作,并无与其他过去动作比较先后之意,不必用过去完成时。

  (2)later也需要用在与过去某个时间相比的场合,如:I met the man at the corner of the street one day. Six days later,I met him there again.可能作者心目中要把下面将写到的内容作为比较对象,但此时还没向读者交待,只有作者自己心里明白,就用过去完成时,用later是不妥当的。

  (3)、(4)原句中主从句的地点状语没有搭配好。

  (5)tell后面一般用间接引语,直接引语用say引导较好。

  (6)这里是直接引语,时态不必改成过去式。可能作者想说明want这个动作是在小孩传话前发生的,其实,want这个要求在讨论时依然存在,就要用一般现在时,用过去式反而可以理解成“现在不要这样了”。

  (7)原句让人感到作者原先是闭着眼睛的,其实本意是“尽力睁大眼睛”,可用strain one's eves.

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