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Birthday Present

2006-07-29 14:55

  The sun was shining in the sky when I woke up. I was very excited because it was my birthday. I was twelve that day.

  In the evening, my mother cooked me a bowl of noodles with two eggs. I had a very nice meal that evening.

  After supper, I knew it was time give me the presents [to get presents from my mother, father and sister] (1) . What will they give me? Toys? No, I have grown up. I don't need these things any more. Oh! Something nice to eat? Chocolate? No. I am not so greedy in [for] (2) eating. What were they then [will the presents be] (3) ? I wondered.

  At that moment, Mother came to me and said, “You sometimes catch cold. Here is a clock. It will make you get up to do exercises [in time for morning exercises] (4)。” She put the clock on the table. It was a beautiful clock. The sound it made was very nice. Father said to me, “I hope you can study well. Here is a new pen for you.” I got the pen in my hands. The pen was a good-looking one. The head of it gave off perfume. As I was appreciating the pen, my sister took out a book, and spoke to me with a smile, “I want to give the book Poem to you. I hope you will get more useful and wider knowledge.” This completed my happiness.

  My mother gave me the clock for me to wake up earlier and keep a good health. My father and sister gave me the pen and the book for me to study well. I decided to work harder so that I wouldn't let them down.

  长春外国语学校八八中一  王庆全

  评    语

  文章条理清楚,详略有致,语言朴实自然。初中学生能写出这样的文章,实属不易。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)原文动作执行者不清,故改之。

  (2)greedy一般与介词for搭配。

  (3)原文用 were they then,they指代不清,改为 the presents较好。

  (4)原文会令人误解为做功课,故改之。

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