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Memory

2006-07-29 15:35

  The picture on my desk shows a man of about 60 or so, sitting comfortably on the couch. His nearly snow-white hair and natural smile made him seem much kinder[look kind](1)。 On the back of the picture a line of words is neatly written, his definition of life:“To love the ones around you is more precious than life itself.”

  It is raining again today. The[fallen](2) leaves have covered the garden like a carpet. Somehow, tears come to my eyes. The sound of the rain knocking on the glass window[window](3) makes me feel upset. I try to ignore it, but I fail.

  I close my eyes only to see him wearing that old blue jacket with a big smile on his face.“Hey, try to do it in the way I told you,”he said. I began to solve the problem on the paper in front of me. He'd never been angry. He always treated children[us] (4) like his own [children](5)。 Every time I talked to him, I felt I was full of confidence. But now, I can't see him any more.

  The rain is[has](6) stopped. I open the window. The freshness brought by the rain hits my face. The garden looks clean but terribly messy at the same time. I don't feel so upset now, but the pain has never stopped attacking my heart. Though tears will dry up by time[in time](7), the pain will stay. I really don't know how to accept the fact.“Serious heart disease of years burst forth when Mr. Yu was teaching a lesson. Unfortunately, he was not rescued…”We were thus told.

  l still believe that next time we meet, we'll both enjoy the lessons, which we always did in the past few years when I was attending his lectures. But how can I?

  The air in the room is cold. I close the window, trying to get my thoughts off the subject. I lie down, trying to get some rest. From a distance I seem to hear a firm voice and find myself in the class——in his class!

  上海市李惠利中学高二(1)班  江佳

  评    语

  这是一篇怀念已故老师的文章,虽没有正面描写老师的事迹,但令人感到了师生之间曾有过的深切感情。特别是作者用了一种独白似的内心描写与外部气氛的烘托,使文章具有一种独特的感染力。另外,文章词语句型的使用也较为老练,文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)kinder用比较级,不知是与什么相比较。另外seem用得也不准确,故改之。

  (2)加上fallen使上下文更清楚,定冠词the用得不正确。

  (3)glass是多余的。

  (4)children太笼统,不如us显得更亲近。

  (5)这里加上children.

  (6)原文is用错了。

  (7)by time不是习惯用语,in time除了表示“及时”外还有“终究会”、“到某个时候”的意思。

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