外语教育网
您的位置:外语教育网 > 基础英语 > 英语写作 > 写作范文 正文
  • 站内搜索:

Flying High as a Kite

2006-07-29 15:35

  When I walked[was walking](1)across the playground the other day, I got a pleasant surprise to see some colourful kites flying in the sky above our campus, and I couldn't help slowing down to look at them. A kite flew out of sight and seemed to go back to its remote home, and the long string pulled my memory back to that wonderful spring day and that small mountain village where my grandma has ever lived[once lived](2)。 I suppose my footprints of childhood are still in that beautiful valley, where I once excitedly flew the kite which had been made by Grandma. Mixed with the fragrance(芳香)of wild flower, and new-mown hay, the fresh country breeze blew through my hair and sent my kite to the sky. The melody of ripping[rippling](3) streams and the songs of delighted birds have been vague[seem to be vague now](4) but Grandma's words still ring[are still ringing](5) in my ears:“Darling, have you got anything from a kite?…they incessantly fly upward…upward…”

  Grandma always tried to instill some essence of life in my naive heart, and she had ardent expectation written on her face. Now, I find there's more to a kite that paper and string, as it also forms a bridge between earth and heaven and put me in touch with[reminds me of](6) Grandma——she has left me, but she should forever live in Paradise. Rest in peace, Grandma, and your encouragement will accompany me to fly high as a kite!

  武汉外国语学校  杨珑

  评    语

  从看到放风筝想到自己亲爱的grandma,文章写得较为动人,文中有些句型和词语也显得较为老练,如:get a pleasant surprise to see, fly out of sight, fragrance, new-mown, there's more to a kite than…等等。但文章的时态层次不够清楚,从“那天看到别人放风筝”,到回想起与grandma一起放风筝,文章后半部分用现在时,又给人感到是在写这篇文章时的感想,总之,时态跳跃过快,语言运用上的其他不足之处修改如下:

  (1)从句动词改为过去进行时后,体现了过去短暂时间动作,以与主句顺利衔接。

  (2)根据上下文grandma已去世,不能用现在完成时,而要用一般过去时。

  (3)这可能是rippling(起涟漪)的笔误。

  (4)现在完成时用得不妥。表示“一直如此”?或“结果”?好像都不恰当。

  (5)用现在进行时更生动些。

  (6)原文表述太直。

相关热词:写作 范文

上一篇:Claire and I

下一篇:A Greedy Monkey

栏目相关课程表
科目名称 主讲老师 课时 免费试听 优惠价 购买课程
英语零起点 郭俊霞 30课时 试听 150元/门 购买
综艺乐园 ------ 15课时 试听 100元/门 购买
边玩边学 ------ 10课时 试听 60元/门 购买
情景喜剧 ------ 15课时 试听 100元/门 购买
欢乐课堂 ------ 35课时 试听 150元/门 购买
趣味英语速成 钟 平 18课时 试听 179元/门 购买
剑桥少儿英语预备级 (Pre-Starters) ------ ------ 试听 200元/门 购买
剑桥少儿英语一级 (Starters) ------ ------ 试听 200元/门 购买
剑桥少儿英语二级 (Movers) ------ ------ 试听 200元/门 购买
剑桥少儿英语三级 (Flyers) ------ ------ 试听 200元/门 购买
初级英语口语 ------ 55课时 ------ 350元/门 购买
中级英语口语 ------ 83课时 ------ 350元/门 购买
高级英语口语 ------ 122课时 ------ 350元/门 购买
基础英语辅导课程
郭俊霞 北京语言大学毕业,国内某知名中学英语教研组长,教学标兵……详情>>
郭俊霞:零基础英语网上辅导名师
钟平 北大才俊,英语辅导专家,累计从事英语教学八年,机械化翻译公式发明人……详情>>
钟平:趣味英语速成网上辅导名师

  1、凡本网注明 “来源:外语教育网”的所有作品,版权均属外语教育网所有,未经本网授权不得转载、链接、转贴或以其他方式使用;已经本网授权的,应在授权范围内使用,且必须注明“来源:外语教育网”。违反上述声明者,本网将追究其法律责任。
  2、本网部分资料为网上搜集转载,均尽力标明作者和出处。对于本网刊载作品涉及版权等问题的,请作者与本网站联系,本网站核实确认后会尽快予以处理。本网转载之作品,并不意味着认同该作品的观点或真实性。如其他媒体、网站或个人转载使用,请与著作权人联系,并自负法律责任。
  3、联系方式
  编辑信箱:for68@chinaacc.com
  电话:010-82319999-2371