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Phoebus——I'll Always Miss You

2006-07-29 15:35

  Phoebus, a handsome young man in our neighbourhood, has been sleeping quietly in his grave for three years. If he had not died, he would be twenty-two this year. Today, a rainy day, is the date[anniversary](1) of Phoebus' death.

  I put my flowers on Phoebus' grave, telling him a thousand times that a good friend has come to visit him. Recalling the happy days in the past, I can not hold back my tears. Phoebus, such an ambitious boy in the sun, would never come back. He was only nineteen! So young a boy! How could God take away his life so early? Up till now, I still don't believe the fact that he has left us!

  Energetic and ambitious, Phoebus had ever told[often told](2) me that being[to be](3) a good doctor was his future goal. I was——and still am——one hundred percent sure he could have realized his dream as he was so intelligent and persevering(不屈不挠的)。 That year——1992, was not only the year he took the college-entrance examination, but also the year he lost his life!

  Phoebus's father, a selfish man, would never let his son do anything against him. He wanted his only son to study business so that he could inherit his enterprise(继承他的事业)in the future. Knowing his son wanted to study medicine, he tried every means to stop him.

  Losing every hope and feeling depressed, Phoebus went out one night and was dead drunk. Then came the horrible car accident, the blood of Phoebus and the ambulance…

  Phoebus died on the way to hospital because he lost too much blood. I resent(恨)Phoebus' father! I resent him more than I can say! It was the selfish man who caused Phoebus' death! It was he who made me lose a good friend forever.

  Today, standing in front of Phoebus's grave, I pray for his smiling face to reappear(重现)before me. Just then a gust of wind begins to blow. I seem to hear him saying,“Lisa, I want to be a good doctor. Why can't we have our own right to decide our own future?”Poor Phoebus, I am nearly sad to death! Oh, if only you had not died! If only you could come back to life!

  I am crying bitterly in the rain.“Phoebus, come back! Please come back to life! Come back to be a doctor you've been dreaming[you were always dreaming of](4)…”I call out loudly, but there is no sight of Phoebus. I raise my voice to call his name again and again, but still no answer. There is no other sound but the howling(怒号)of the wind!

  广东外语师范学校  Lisa

  评    语

  这是一篇灰色调但感情极为真挚、语句非常流畅老练的优秀作文。就文字而言,文中不乏精彩之笔,如:telling him a thousand times, such an ambitious boy in the sun, try every means, dead drunk, If only…! Come back to be the doctor…等等。作者还很善于利用环境、天气情况来烘托气氛。另外,文中借死者之口说出的“Why can't we have our own right to decide our own future?”也向所有学生与家长提出了一个令人深思的问题。但愿像文中主人公这样的悲剧不再重演。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)周年纪念日要用anniversary,否则变成今天就是去世的这一天了。

  (2)ever一般用于疑问句、否定句或条件句,故改之。另外,这里也没有必要用过去完成式。

  (3)动名词作主语和不定式作主语的区别之一在于前者表示经常性动作;而不定式表示一次性或还未发生的动作,如:Teaching English is my work but to be an interpreter(口译)is what I want to be in the future. 根据上下文“当医生”是还未实现的动作,用不定式为好。

  (4)除了像文章开头 has been sleeping quietly in his grave这样特殊意义的句子之外,现在完成进行时一般不能用于已故人的动作,故改之。

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