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A New Beginning of My Life

2006-07-29 15:42

  I'll never forget the day when our teacher told us to use pens instead of pencils. That was a new beginning of my life.

  It was in the primary school in Grade Two[It was when I was in Grade Two of a primary school](1) that the teacher came in and said to us one morning:“Now boys and girls, you have been writing with pencils for about two years, and from now on, each of you should put a pen in your pencil-box. You'll never use pencils to do your homework.”

  “But why should we?”I asked.

  “Well,”the teacher replied.“When you use pencils, you can get a rubber to erase your mistakes you made[have made] (2), and then correct them. But it is not everything in life that can be regretted and done again. You should be more responsible for what you do and consider it well before working. Today is a new beginning to you in your lives.”

  Then the teacher taught us how to use pens correctly, and showed us some pen-written copybooks of our elder school brothers' and sisters. It was clear that the more they wrote, the fewer mistakes they made.

  Now I have been writing with pens for over nine years. I'm sure that I've become a responsible[a more responsible] (3)man.

  上海市大同中学高三(5)班  王炜

  评    语

  老师的教诲往往能给学生留下难忘的回忆,使学生终身受益。王炜同学的文章虽然简短,但能令人回味。王炜同学的原稿是手抄的,不仅无明显语言错误,且字迹工整,可见老师的教导已在王炜同学身上产生了作用。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)作者用的是一个强调句型,但由于主语是the teacher,故去掉强调结构“it was…that”后留下状语in the primary school in Grade Two,两者读起来很不自然,故改之。

  (2)用现在完成时,使先后动作关系更紧密。

  (3)改后语气谦虚一些。

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