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The Bike-tender

2006-07-29 14:51

  Nearly in every city there are bike tenders (看车人)。 They ask for a small charge (费用)for their service. Generally speaking, this is reasonable. With a bike-tender looking after your bike, you may be at ease and deal with your business as long as possible before the sun has set [you may take your time to deal with your business before sunset] (1) . But sometimes things may not seem so ideal. For example, when you want to buy something, your bike is left outside a shop only for a minute or two. However, you have to pay the money all the same, for the bike-tenders don't ask for the charge [for the bike-tenders will not free you from the payment] (2) because they look after your bike for only an instant. So I came to regard bike-tenders as those who only knew how to make money until one day something happened to change my view.

  That day after school I went to a bookshop. As soon as I stopped my bike in front of the shop, an old man , the bike-tender, [a bike-tender, an old man,] (3) came up to me. Before he asked for the charge [said anything] (4) I threw him a coin (硬币) without looking at him and entered the shop. I bought my books and was leaving when I felt in my pocket for the bicycle key. It was not there! I got worried and went back to the counter (柜台) . The assistant said she hadn't seen any key. I hurried out of the shop, thinking that I must have forgotten to lock the bike. To my joy [relief] (5), my bike was still there, but it was locked tight (紧紧地)。 I looked everywhere around the bike for the key, but I couldn't find it. Just then the bike-tender came over. “What's the matter, young man?” he asked. Looking at him, I said sadly, “The key is lost.” “Oh, I see. Don't worry. Look at this. Is it yours?” Without a careful look I could see it was just mine. [“Yes, it is.”] (6) I became happy but thought “the money-maker” would probably ask for extra money. To my surprise, the old man patted me on the shoulder, gave me the key and said, “Little fellow, you should take better care of your key next time. Don't hurry. If you have no money I can look after your bike freely. Just now when you threw the coin to me I could see you were not willing to pay the money. Am I right?”

  I nodded my head and didn't know what to say when the old man said, “Go home at once. It's getting dark. Your parents are expecting you.”

  I left the old man, and since then I have always showed my respect to all bike-tenders.

  江苏省徐州市第一中学高二(1)班  宋亮亮

  评    语

  全文语句朴实,流畅自然,对看车人的描写较为成功,文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)原句意思表达得不准确,特别是 as long as possible给人以“故意拖长时间”的语感。改后较好。 take one's time to do sth. 意为“从容地做……”。

  (2)原句试用not-because句型(并非因为……而干……),想法很好,但可惜用错了。应将ask for the charge改成free from  the payment,意为:“看车人并非因为他们只看了一会儿车而免费。”句中not否定because从句。

  (3)原句把 an old man用作主语,而 the bike tender作同位语,这样主题不突出,换过来较好。

  (4)一上来就要钱,有点不自然。

  (5)joy = great happiness.改成relief较好。

  (6)原句想表示“不用看就知道是我的钥匙”,但写的是中国式英语。既然老人一问,还不如一答为好。

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