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Business one-liners 06

2006-07-08 08:52

  Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don't know any other language.

  Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.

  Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.

  Real programmers print only clean compiles.

  Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.

  Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

  Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

  Repetition does not establish validity.

  Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

  Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

  Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

  Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

  Say no, then negotiate.

  Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

  Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.

  Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

  Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in “Money and Class in America” (1988)

  Self starters……will not.

  Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

  Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

  Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.

  Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'“ - George Bernard Shaw

  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

  Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.

  Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

  Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.

  Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.

  Stay in with the outs.

  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

  Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

  Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. - James Anders Honeycutt

  Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

  Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

  Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

  Take this job and shove it.

  Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

  Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.

  That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

  The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance

  The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.

  The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.

  The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

  The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

  The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.

  The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

  The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.

  The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

  The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

  The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

  The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

  The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.

  The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

  The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to……to……uhh……

  The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

  The chaos in the universe always increases.

  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

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