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My Best Gift Ever

2006-07-29 14:38

  When I was seven, I knew a girl who was as old as I. Her house was in front of mine, so we could play together every day and we became very good friends. But five years later, she left for the US with her parents. We were both sad, and I told her to send me letters after she got there. But as time went on, she didn't write to me.

  Last year, just before the (1) Christmas Day, I received a big card, on which was a beautiful drawing, and the colour was very bright. I recognized that it had been drawn by her. On [the] (2)back was a letter:

  “Dear Zhang Fan,

  You must wonder why I didn't write to you. In the following year after I got to the US, I lost my eyes in a[an] (3)accident.  I became blind! I was so shocked that I believed I had lost everything of mine. I cried every day and I didn't want to do anything. You know, I like [liked] (4) drawing. In those days, I didn't draw a picture until I met Mrs. Green, my family teacher. She told me that although I had lost my eyes, I still had a heart. I could feel the world by heart. Then she encouraged me to draw again. When I want to draw something,  I feel it with hands, think what colour it is, and then I draw it by heart. The drawing I send to you is the lake beside my house. Isn't it beautiful?

  I hope that when you meet with difficulty, you won't be sad; feel it by [with] (5)your heart, and you can succeed.

  Merry Christmas! “

  Handing the card[With the card in my hand] (6), I thought for a long time. Then I laid it on my table. I will keep it for ever, and I will do as what she said [she said](7): feel the world by [with my] (8)heart!

  南京师大附中  张  帆

  评语

  这是一篇命题作文,作者在故事展开上下了不少功夫,从姑娘“失信”没有及时写信,到后来明白姑娘遭遇到不幸以及最后重点突出姑娘战胜伤残的勇气,一环扣一环,写得很动人。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评如下:

  (1)在不强调某一年的 Christmas Day时,前面一般不必加定冠词。

  (2)特指贺卡的背面,back前要加上定冠词。

  (3)accident是元音音素开头,不定冠词用an.

  (4)为保持叙述时时态自然连贯,故改为liked.

  (5)可以说by heart,但 heart前用了特指词,宜将 by改为合适的介词。类似情况又如:go by car和 go in my car.

  (6)句中hand用作动词,语义似与上下文不符,故改之。

  (7)原句中的what是多余的。

  (8)by改为with较好。

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