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To My Dear Niece

2006-07-29 15:39

  “My sister has borne a little girl!”

  What good news! You can imagine how happy I was on hearing the news! And I realized that I must also be a fortunate one[boy] (1), for few people has [have] (2) a chance of becoming a real maternal(母亲方的)uncle these days [when almost every couple gives birth only to one child] (3)。

  The child had already been named before its birth. To name a baby is somehow a difficult thing, because it should not only sound nice, but also express the great hope of the parents. In order to find a good name for their baby, my sister and brother-inlaw first looked up in the dictionary[consulted a dictionary for ideal words] (4), but they failed. Then it occurred to them that the name“Meng Meng”might be a good one. It can be used either for a boy or for a girl; and it also sounds poetic(有诗意的)in Chinese. Now I was only too anxious to see the baby and my sister.

  I was permitted to go to the hospital at last. When I got there, the baby was having a sound sleep. Although my sister looked very pale and tired, she felt happy indeed(judging by her kind look at the baby)。

  “Where is[”May I have a close look at] (5) my niece?“I asked in a low voice.

  My sister pointed to the small bed near her.“Oh, yes, it's there!”

  I tiptoed to the bed. I looked at it carefully and kindly, and touched it gently, for fear of waking up the cherub(胖娃娃)。 Meng Meng was so small, but it had two big eyes(They were closed at the moment as if it hadn't made full preparations to see the world)。 Its skin was smooth and tender, and its pink cheeks made it looked[look] (6) much vivid. And it also had a big nose which I thought was a characteristic of its grandfather.

  But, on the other hand, Meng Meng was a bit dirty. It hadn't taken a bath since its birth, so its hair was in a mess.

  My sister told me that Meng Meng had been sleeping for a long time Maybe she was too tired, or perhaps she was too shy to see its[her](7) uncle because of its[her](8) dirtiness.

  上海交大附中高三(1)班  陈贤

  评    语

  选材很有趣,文笔也较为生动,特别是对婴儿的描写十分细致,表达出了小舅舅对小外甥女的深切感情。文章中某些单词的使用显示出作者可能在课外进行了大量的英语阅读。某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)这里的one指代不够清楚,故改之。

  (2)people是集合名词,要用复数谓语,作者可能疏忽了。

  (3)加上这一句使语义更加清楚。英语作文的目的是要让外国人能够看懂。因此,在上下文中必须交代那些只有中国人才能理解的背景内容。

  (4)根据Longman词典,look up一般用作及物动词,后接要查的内容,如:look up a word in a dictionary,这里没有宾语,不宜用look up,故改之。

  (5)上文已经提到姐姐的目光看着baby,现在又问where is it,显然不够自然,故改之。

  (6)这里应该用省to的不定式。

  (7)、(8)主语是she,代词要用her.不过,前文曾用it来指婴儿,这里用she,不够统一。

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