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Drink fault-finding guide

2006-07-08 02:22

  A solution to all of your drinking troubles

  Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

  Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

  Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

  Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

  Fault: Glass is empty.

  Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

  Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

  Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

  Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

  Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

  Fault: Loss of self-control.

  Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

  Symptom: Bar blurred.

  Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

  Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

  Symptom: Bar swaying.

  Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

  Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

  Symptom: Bar moving.

  Fault: You are being carried out.

  Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

  Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

  Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

  Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

  Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

  Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

  Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

  Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

  Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

  Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

  Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

  Fault: The pub is closing.

  Solution: Panic.

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