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Help in Real Need

2006-07-29 14:48

  We had a cow. Last summer I spent my holidays at home [when I spent my holidays at home ] (1) , Father told me to  take good care of it. I liked the cow very much and fed it with sweet grass.

  One morning, I let the cow stand beside the river, tying it to a tree [keeping it tied to a tree ] (2)。 Then I went  away to cut grass.

  When I came back, I was surprised to find that the cow was in the mud. There was only a little water in the river. Now the cow's foolish [clumsy ] ( 3 ) and fat body made its legs [ sink ] (4) deep in the mud. It could do nothing but turn its head from side to side and let out its heavy voice[mooed pitifully] ( 5 ) to me. How could I help it out? Without second thought [Without delay] ( 6 ) I went to pull the rope, but the cow is [was] ( 7 ) too heavy. Then I tried to clean the mud around its legs. There were [was] (8) too much mud. No doubt, I failed again.

  The sun was high in the sky now. The cow cried a little now and a little then [lowed now and then] (9) as if it was [were](10) asking me to help it quickly out of the trouble. I stared at it and thought hard. I did all I could. But all I did was useless to the cow. [but in vain.] (11)

  I really had no idea then. [I was at the end of my tether.] (12)I thought I should turn to Father for help.

  Before I left, I fetched a pile of grass I had cut to feed the cow. Just as I was about to throw the grass to it, he [the cow] (13) saw the grass and jumped coming out of the mud! It was an astonishing success. The cow must have been hungry. What it needed most was food. It ate up all the grass I had cut.

  From the experience I learned something useful——only to give what it badly needs [is badly needed] (14) means real help.

  上海市青浦县朱家角中学  肖春莉

  评    语

  文章内容生动活泼,结尾出人意料,说明作者在情节展开上下了一定功夫。文章在词汇、句子结构的运用等方面也不错,尤其是对牛的描写很形象。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)把原句改成一个状语从句,使文章更紧凑,前后呼应更好。

  (2)tying it to a tree作为分词伴随情况状语表示的是一个动态的动作,但是根据上下文这里应该用 keeping it tied to a tree表示静止的状态。

  (3)foolish 是愚笨的“笨”,不是笨重的“笨”,应该用clumsy.

  (4)原文漏掉不定式 sink(陷沉),句子结构欠完整。

  (5)voice 一般指人的嗓音,牛叫可用moo, low或 bellow.

  (6)second thought 指重新考虑,常常用在 on second thoughts 或 have second thoughts 等习语中。原文 thought 错用了单数,况且根据上下文也用错了意思。作者大概想表达“不容细想”、“没有迟疑”。

  (7)、(8)可能是作者的笔误。写作时,时态、单复数等这些中英文不同的地方必须特别小心仔细。

  (9)牛叫一般也不用 cry,原句时间状语用得也有些别扭。

  (10)正式的书面语中,be的虚拟式用were,不用was.

  (11)原句较唆,改为but in vain更好,但要把前面句号改为逗号。

  (12)原句语义不明确。表示一个人“山穷水尽,毫无办法”可以用 at the end of one's tether/rope.

  (13)全文的代词使用必须统一,用it指牛,就不能随便又用he.

  (14)通过一事学到的经验,应该是有普遍的指导意义。因此把原句改为泛指的被动态比特指 it(the cow)的需要来得好。

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