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Friendship ——An Ever-lasting Song

2006-07-29 14:39

  Not long ago, one of our classmates Yang Yimeng  fell ill. As her illness became more and more serious, soon she was in hospital[she was soon sent to hospital] (1)。 Yang's parents were not in Shanghai and couldn't take care of her.So in this case, we knew that she needed more care,  more comfort, and more love. We decided to go to the hospital to see her and comfort her in turn.

  Though only a few days had passed, Yimeng had changed  a lot. Her face was abnormally red and swollen,  that[which] (2)made her look very terrible. She couldn't speak and was in a low spirit [in low spirits] (3)。 We all thought we should help her and give her encouragement [encourage her] (4)。So we bought a nice notebook. On the first page, we wrote“Friendship is an ever-lasting song! We are all your friends for ever!”Moreover, in the notebook each of us wrote our best and sincere wishes. Then we went to see her again with this book and a bunch of flower [flowers] (5)。 We said to her,“You must fight against the illness [fight the illness bravely] (6)。 You will surely be the winner. Now we are giving you our best wishes.” She smiled with tears in her eyes.

  Last month when we spent our spring holiday in Jiading, we took many beautiful photos. We showed these pictures to Yang so that she could share our happiness. She smiled and said, “Thank you for giving me all this. I'll not withdraw before illness [give up before the illness] (7), because you are always with me. ”

  Now Yang is better than before [Yang's illness has taken a turn for the better] (8)。 And we have decided to help her with her missed lessons [help her make up the lessons she has missed ](9) so that she can keep up with us.  We hope she will come back to us very soon.

  上海市晋元中学初二学生  张华渊

  评    语

  初二学生能用英语写出这样较为流畅的作文,实属不易。文章从“送花”、“送笔记本”和“送照片”这三个细节入手描写,情真意切。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1) be in hospital表示“静态”,这里根据上下文,改为be sent to hospital这样的动态表述较好。

  (2)这里的定语从句修饰全句,要用which引导,为非限制性定语从句,不能用 that.又如:He refused to help my sister, which upset me a lot.

  (3)在 be in high /low spirits 短语中,spirit习惯用复数。

  (4)原句并没有错,但改后help her与 encourage her对称,结构有均衡感。

  (5)flower 表示具体的花朵时,是可数名词。

  (6)根据 Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English, 表示“与疾病斗争”时,fight一般用作及物动词。

  (7)、(8)、(9)改后更符合英语表达习惯。

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