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Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers

2006-07-08 01:00

  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

  Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

  The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

  Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

  The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

  To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

  The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

  A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

  The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

  The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

  To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

  Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

  Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

  Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

  A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

  The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

  The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

  We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

  English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

  By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

  If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

  Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

  Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

  A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

  A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

  Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

  A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

  The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

  When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

  It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

  Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

  For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

  For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

  For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

  For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

  For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

  To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

  For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

  For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

  For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

  Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

  Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

  When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

  When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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