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Life in a Valley

2006-07-29 15:32

  I was born in a little village. All the people there depend on the trees on the mountains nearby for life. In order to cut trees easily, most of them often live in the valley.

  When I was fourteen years old, I had lived [once lived] (1) in the valley with my elder brother for ten days. It was very interesting, so I remember [the experience] (2) very well.

  In fact, our “house” was  only a bed [Our “house” in the valley was, in fact, only a bed] (3)。 There were no neighbours except birds and small nameless animals. My brother told me that the valley was called Mazhudui. “How big our house is! The trees are the walls, and the sky is our roof!” My brother said with a smile.

  Having made the bed, we began to cook. There was no water source near our house, so we had to walk a long way to a brook (小溪) to carry [fetch] (4) water. Because there was no bucket (桶), we carry [had to carry] (5) water with a little bowl. We took the bowl to the brook, filled it with water and then came back. We did it many times until the water was enough for our cooking.

  After lunch, we began to work. On our way to the work place, we saw a lot of interesting things. The birds didn't fear us. As they flew around us, they sang a moving song. Sometimes, a small animal came out of the trees and made some noise at us. The sky, the mountains and the trees all looked green. A brook wound its way into the forest. We seemed to travel [be travelling] (6) in a picture.

  The most interesting thing in our ten days' stay in the valley was to lie in bed and see stars. The stars were twinkling, as if talking to me. The cool wind was kissing my hair, whispering to me. The sounds made by trees, birds and animals were like a wonderful piece of music, and helped me go to sleep peacefully.

  One night, while we were sleeping, it suddenly began to rain. We were wet through when we woke up. We looked for our lamp quickly, but it was wet, too. So we had to get under the bed and wait till tomorrow. Suddenly, my brother laughed and cried out “Aha, we needn't fetch water today! The pan must be full of water!”

  Time passed quickly and ten days had gone by before I knew it. How interesting my life in the valley! I will never forget these days. If only I can [could] (7) live in the valley for some days again!

  广东省河源市河源中学高一(3)班  邱道明

  评    语

  这是一篇十分生动活泼、富有情趣的文章。文中的许多情节如果没有真实的生活体验是写不出来的。作者观察仔细,记叙详略有致,语句运用也较自然流畅,特别是在挨雨淋后,忽然想到今天做饭不用去远处挑水等诙谐的描写,使人读来轻松有趣。这说明:只要我们坚持写真实的生活,真实的思想,大胆练习运用所学过的词语和句型,一定能写出好文章。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)这里时态不必用过去完成时,加上once,读来更通顺。

  (2)这里以加上宾语为好。

  (3)原文一上来就用in fact,不妥,因为上下文还没有提到过our house,故改之。

  (4)用fetch 更强调专程去取水。

  (5)本处时态用错了,加上 had to有“不得不”的含义。

  (6)似乎正在进行的事,要用不定式的进行时态。

  (7)If only从句要用虚拟式,用法类似wish的宾语从句。

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