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Mid-autumn Festival Moon

2006-07-29 15:46

  It was the Mid-autumn Festival.

  When I was enjoying the beautiful moonlight.[I was enjoying the beautiful moonlight from the school building when] (1) I heard loud voices from the sixth floor.

  On the sixth floor of the building in our school (2), there is an observatory(天文台), but it opens only on special occasions. I'm interested in astronomy(天文学), so I have always been very eager to enter it.

  Wondering whether it would be open tonight, I decided to go upstairs to have a look.

  There, I saw a teacher talking with the students of Grade One, but the observatory wasn't open. The teacher said that the clouds had covered [were covering] (3) the moon and when the moon came out again he would let us go into the observatory and observe the moon.

  The winds were blowing and the clouds were floating. I waited and waited, but the moon didn't come out. She was like a shy girl playing hide-and-seek(捉迷藏)with us.

  More than half an hour passed by (4)。 I was about to leave when the teacher shouted excitedly.“Look!”

  A bright moon was hanging in the black sky.

  “Shall we go inside?”The teacher said cheerfully.

  “Great!”

  He opened the door to the observatory. A large white telescope was in the centre of the room. The teacher went toward the wall and pressed a button. The hemispheric(半球形)roof of the observatory turned around and a window of the roof was opened. The sky was just above us. I was so curious and excited that I couldn't say a word.

  The teacher adjusted(调节)the telescope and then asked me to come up to it. I felt a little nervous because I never used [had never used] (5) it before. Seeing this, the teacher taught me how to use the telescope correctly. After a while, I had been enjoying [began to enjoy] (6) the mysterious(神秘的)space.

  I observed the moon carefully and found it less beautiful than I thought it should. It looks [looked] (7) silver-grey through the telescope. There is [was] (8) not a single living thing on it but all kinds of holes and round mountains here and there.

  Time went by quickly. An hour had passed before I realized it. I had to leave the“moon”and the teacher.

  “You are welcome to this observatory all the time.”

  I could find no other words to express my thanks to the teacher, but to say,“I will never forget tonight's moon——this Mid-autumn Festival Moon.”

  上海市高桥中学高三(5)班  唐铮

  评    语

  本文记载的是一次难得的中秋观月经历。文章先写自己如何渴望进天文台,为以后盼望月出时的焦急心情和被允许进入天文台观月时的激动打下伏笔,文章突出用天文望远镜观月的重点,语言运用基本正确。不足之处主要是时态把握还不够熟练。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1)原文在没有提到学校大楼的情况下,写到the sixth floor,令人难以理解,故改之。另外用“……过去进行时……when+一般过去式”句型来表示“在……动作背景下发生……”更为生动。

  (2)前文改后,这里斜体部分of the building in our school可省去。

  (3)原文过去完成时用得不对,应该用过去进行时,表示此刻正在发生的事。

  (4)表示时间的流逝,by是不必要的。

  (5)这里应该用过去完成时。

  (6)这里没必要用过去完成进行时。

  (7)、(8)尽管作者想表示自己所看到的是一般事实,但毕竟是个人的一次经历,还是用一般过去时为好。

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