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The First Income in My Life

2006-07-29 14:49

  After making up my mind, I spent 60 yuan on a pair of sports shoes. Meanwhile , it seemed to me that I was working and earned 60 yuan by a month's hard work . [The money was what I had earned through a month's hard work. ] (1)

  Last summer, on the eve of the Ⅺ Asian Games, I decided to buy a pair of sports shoes to make me modern-looking [make myself look smart in] (2)。 Hearing my requisition [knowing what I wanted] , (3) my parents said: “Earn it by yourself and you'll find it will be a helpful experience in your whole life. ” With the help of my friends, I found a job in a shoe factory. How excited I was! On the first day of my work I got to the factory early. The master worker told me the rules of the factory, such as get to [getting to] (4) the factory on time, 1 must obey and I should not lazy , work must care fully and try my best . [obeying the regulations (条例), not being lazy and doing my best. ] (5)

  My job was to press size marks on the shoes. It was simple and dull. The long hours uninteresting work always made me feel tired [Doing dull work long hours tired me ] ( 6 ) when I finished my job every evening.

  As usual, [Usually] ( 7 ) I felt summer holidays passing very fast, but the days spent in working seemed very long. During the work, I looked [glanced at] (8) my watch frequently and wished it would run more quickly. At last, a month passed and I was paid 60 yuan .

  I'll never forget the unusual experience because it has enabled me to understand more about the famous saying , “Business makes a man as well as tries (考验) him.” It has also enabled me to see where lies the source of happiness.

  上海市天山中学  王立峰

  评    语

  全文简洁生动、记述详略得当,语言运用得也较好。文章中某些语言上的不足之处点评修改如下:

  (1) 原句含义不清,故改之。

  (2)modern-looking 用得别扭;介词in表示“穿着”,完整句式为:…look smart in the shoes.

  (3)requisition 是个很正式的词,在这里用得不恰当。

  (4)such as 后面的动词不能用原形,可用动名词形式。

  (5)原句内容都是 such as后并列的 rules,因此都要改成动名词形式,以求统一。

  (6)原句笨重,改后的句子既规范又简洁。

  (7)as usual 意为“像往常一样”,这里不符合上下文。

  (8)look是不及物动词,作者可能疏忽了。用 glance at更好。

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