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A Parody Outline of History(9)

2006-09-07 21:51

  Part VII

  Late that night.

  She opened her eyes; she heard men's voices; she felt her heart still pounding within her at an alarming rate.

  "And I told them then that it would come to no good end. Truly, the Lord does not countenance such joking."

  She recognized the voices of Miles Standish and Elder Brewster.

  "Well——what happened then?" This from Kennicott.

  "Well, you see, Henry Haydock got some of this Mencken's medicine from one of the Indians. And he thought it would be a good joke to put it in the broth at the church supper this evening."

  "Yes?"

  "Well——he did it, the fool. And when the broth was served, hell on earth broke loose. Everyone started calling his neighbor a Puritan, and cursing him for having banished Beauty from the earth. The Lord knows what they meant by that; I don't. Old friends fought like wildcats, shrieking 'Puritan' at each other. Luckily it only got to one table——but there are ten raving lunatics in the lockup tonight.

  "It's an awful thing. But thanks to the Lord, some good has come out of this evil: that medicine man, Mencken, was standing outside looking in at the rumpus, smiling to himself I guess. Well, somebody saw him and yelled, 'There's another of those damned Puritans!' and before he could get away five of them had jumped on him and beaten him to death. He deserved it, and it's a good joke on him that they killed him for being a Puritan."

  Priscilla could stand no more. She rose from her bed, rushed into the room, and faced the three Puritans. In the voice of Priscilla Kennicott but with the words of the medicine man she scourged them.

  "A good joke?" she began. "And that is what you Puritan gentlemen of God and volcanoes of Correct Thought snuffle over as a good joke? Well, with the highest respect to Professor Doctor Miles Standish, the Puritan Hearse-hound, and Professor Doctor Elder Brewster, the Plymouth Dr. Frank Crane——BLAA!"

  She shrieked this last in their faces and fell lifeless at their feet.

  She never recovered consciousness; an hour later she died. An overdose of the medicine had been too much for her weak heart.

  "Poor William," comforted Elder Brewster, "you must be brave. You will miss her sorely. But console yourself with the thought that it was for the best. Priscilla has gone where she will always be happy. She has at last found that bliss which she searched for in vain on earth."

  "Yes William," added Miles Standish. "Priscilla has now found eternal joy."

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